Social Censure is Literally Death

Your girlfriend is mad at you.

You can tell. She hasn’t said anything yet, but you can tell. The hug she gave you when you came in was halfhearted, and she’s been trying to ignore you while you’ve been trying to start a conversation all night long. Every time you throw out a topic and she shrugs and turns away, you feel this dropping feeling in your stomach, something like nausea, something like vertigo. You want to walk out of the room, get angry, cry. But there’s really nothing to get angry about - it’d be more useful to ask her what she’s angry about, break this deadlock.

But you can’t, because it just feels so fucking bad that she’s mad at you. It feels so bad that you can’t even think about asking why and opening up that conversation. It feels so bad that you can’t eat properly, can’t sleep, can’t enjoy the night. Can’t concentrate on anything else. You’re running breakup scenarios in your head. It feels like something’s eating you alive.

Why does it feel so horribly bad when the people we love don’t like something we do? Why does it make you feel like you’re going to die?

Because we know

It’s such a little thing. A look, a raised eyebrow, a word - the ways people show us they disapprove of our behavior. We’re civilized people, nobody’s going to punch you for wearing a stupid shirt, but believe it, you’ll know when you’ve stepped out of line. We’re extraordinarily good at enacting “soft consequences” for misbehavior - your friends can make it clear that they don’t like your new haircut without telling you that to your face. They might even say they love your haircut, but in a way that means, “I hate your haircut.” And you’ll know.

We fear social censure more than just about anything. We’ll bend over backwards to avoid having to disappoint someone, while disappointing ourselves all day long. We’ll do the stupidest shit - the number of jobs I’ve lost because I couldn’t face my boss and admit I made a mistake? Honestly, I’ve forgotten most of them. It was harder to look my boss in the eye and admit I screwed up than it was to go find a whole new job. That’s ridiculous.

Don’t look at me like I’m crazy; I’m not the only one who dropped classes in college because they couldn’t face the teacher without having done the homework. I’m not the only one who would rather pull a muscle and make a mess just to avoid having to ask someone else for help. I’m not the only one who’s ghosted people rather than say, “I’m just not feelin it, peace.” Facing someone else’s displeasure is just about the worst thing in the world. If I got arrested, I might not love spending the night in jail, but it would be my favorite part of that experience, way above having to call someone and ask them to pick me up at the station. That would be the real punishment, that and the drive home.

Why are we like this? I mean, that guy’s shitty opinion doesn’t matter that much, does it? What’s he gonna do, tell the other kids at school you’re not cool? Grow up, who cares what they think of you.

Because we care

Well… you do. I do. We all care what they think, and “they” is “everyone.” We’re hardwired to care, because we’re social animals. We can’t survive in the wilderness on our own; we’re not large with the natural weaponry, apart from our magnificent brains. Our ability to cooperate and plan is our advantage, and it’s not super effective when we’re alone. One human alone in the woods is a scavenger, a prey animal, quite a few steps down on the food chain from where we’re used to hanging out. Five humans together in the woods? That’s a hunting party that can best anything living except another pack of humans.

What happens when an animal displeases its pack? What are you really afraid of when your spouse is angry at you?

Exile.

The animal who upsets their family is forced out into the cold, turned out of the nest. Denied food, denied shelter, denied companionship and support. The animal who upsets their family dies.

And these days, your success rate in the wilderness matters a hell of a lot less, yes. But here’s the thing - your brain stem doesn’t know that. Evolution is a very slow process, and we are a very young species as the earth tells time. We are smarter than our ancestors thirty thousand years ago, but in terms of social and moral development, we haven’t moved on much. We are still perpetuating the same vicious, savage competition in our civilized societies that pertains in the fucking forest. We still practice the same denial of resources as a social consequence. And the part of your brain that reacts when you’re emotional, the part that floods you with chemicals preparing you to fight or run… that part doesn’t know what a grocery store is. It just knows you can’t take down a mammoth on your own, and if you piss off your wife, how do you think you’re going to eat?

The reason we feel so dreadful when our loved ones are unhappy with us is because to our brains, it is a physical threat to our survival.

So what do we do?

Like so many other things, this is just a chemical cycle, and we can interrupt it. If you’re anything like me, the impulse in the moment when someone’s mad at you is to think of the other people who aren’t - well, okay, she’s pissed, but at least my friends think I’m pretty okay, at least my grandma likes me. Do me a favor - don’t do this.

This is just another way of sourcing your self-esteem outside yourself. This is just another form of shame. Remember we talked about shame yesterday? This is a way of saying, “well, I’m only worth what people think of me, so as long as someone likes me, I’m still worth something.” Nah, man. That’s not it.

Whatever it is you did that pissed off your people, they’re emotional right now, and they kinda get to be. They might share their emotions with you, and you kinda have to deal with that. But you’re emotional too, and that makes sense - your brain is telling you that you’re going to be sleeping outside tonight, even if your wife isn’t. So in this moment, the goal is to remind ourselves and our brain stem that this is not a life-threatening situation.

As usual, mindfulness helps. Pull yourself into this moment. I know it hurts, I know this is a sucky moment where someone you love is mad at you, and you don’t want to be here, so you’re trying to pull away, wishing it wasn’t so, wanting to fix it. Don’t. Just be here. Remember that you are not living in a cave, that your access to food is not dependent on whether this person is mad at you or not (and if it is, please, get the hell out of wherever you are). Remember that tomorrow, you will still have a bed to sleep in, and even if this person should leave your life, they will not take 100% of your safety with them (if they will, plz see above.)

Don’t use this moment to think about others who bolster your self-esteem - think about yourself and this moment. Be with yourself here, don’t abandon yourself when you’re emotional. We need to learn that this moment is survivable, that we can experience rejection and criticism from those we love without being completely destroyed. It takes experience to be able to get through this moment calmly, but the fear will die down after the first few times you sit still and process instead of fleeing or reacting. You’ll see that the world didn’t end. Your friend got mad at you, and you still have food in the fridge, you still paid the rent this month, and it doesn’t matter how stupid your haircut is - it’s not going to kill you.